Slack Slacker Joy Rides with Jesus 3

Slack Slacker Joy Rides with Jesus 3

As you may recall, last Friday, I was forced to miss work due to severe injuries sustained during my kidnapping and eventual rescue from Islamic militants seeking a billion-dollar reward for my radicalized Yorkie Terrier. After that life-changing event, I prayed to Jesus that I'd never lie again, as I was determined to turn over a new leaf. Actually, since I was sure Jesus had never caught me lying before, I was sure the sucker believed me. Little did I know, Jesus had been keeping track of me for weeks, maybe even months. So, here's how it all went down.

I exited my favorite watering hole on the Upper West Side of Manhattan late last night with my best bud, Crazy Lazy. After an evening of Tequila shots with draft beer chasers, Crazy Lazy and I thought it'd be cool to check out a nearby A.A. meeting to taunt the twelve-stepers trying to get their lives back on track. That's when we heard the voice. "Say, fellas, may I have a word with the two of you?

Without a sound, a black tricked-out VW Beetle van appeared curbside with Jesus behind the wheel. The front passenger window rolled down, and a woman, whom I later realized was Mother Teresa, yelled, "Hey Slack, you wanna party?" Startled but curious, I took a quick glance in the rear seats and saw two of the hottest babes on the planet. My answer was a no-brainer: " Let's roll!" 

Peeling away from the curb with reckless abandon, silently, my only concern was with Mother Teresa riding shotgun. How do we let Jesus know he's getting stuck with Mother "Mugshot" without offending him? It was then that Mother Teresa lit up a spliff and passed it, along with a flask filled with Patron Gold, to us in the back. Crazy grabbed both and picked up where we'd left off at the bar. But I was trying to ask Jesus if this was cool. After a long toke on his own doobie, he said calmly, "When you party with Jesus, everything is cool.

During a slow spin through Central Park (closed to traffic at the time), Crazy and I got to know the two angelic babes better while enjoying Mother T's heavenly weed. Jesus, just cruising the city and taking in the sights, suddenly says, I always wanted to see the Statue of Liberty. I tried to remind him it was late, it was closed, it was cold, and it would be impossible to get there by van, but after a long toke of his doobie and a few shots from his flask, Jesus said, "When you party with me, nothing is impossible."

Putting the tricked-out VW Beetle van into interstellar drive, Jesus headed south on West End Ave toward South Ferry. Neither red lights, stop signs, nor even pedestrians appeared to impede his intended destination, as Jesus carelessly navigated the rocket-like vehicle through the city streets like a maniac on meth. To say we were exceeding the speed limit would be an understatement when an NYPD ground unit began following us.

Anticipating my concerns, without flinching, Jesus took a toke, a swig, and with a sly smile on his face said, "Yo Slack, I got this!" It was apparent the cops had no chance of keeping up, so Jesus ignored them and floored them. When we went airborne off a patch of black ice, Mother T just laughed wildly while telling Jesus to go faster and faster. By now, my stomach was doing cartwheels, and when I looked over at Crazy, he'd passed out.

Since the two hotties were just as excited, I had to ask, "Was Jesus always like this?" Oddly, they both said yes, but mainly on Thursday nights. I asked Jesus to pull over and let me out, but he just called me a pussy and said the fun hadn't even started yet. As we continued to careen wildly out of control, helicopters could be heard above, tracking our movements. I saw lights ahead with heavily armored vehicles positioned along the street.

Smashing through police barricades, road blocks, and spike strips designed to puncture tires, Jesus made mincemeat of the NYPD's defenses. When we finally arrived at South Ferry, I just knew the party was over because cops were everywhere, with weapons drawn and malice aforethought etched on every face. "Jesus, you had your fun," I said. "Don't you think the party's over now?" "Besides, how can we cross the river to the Statue of Liberty in this van?" Jesus took a toke and swig and said, "When you hang with Jesus, you gotta have faith. And that's when Jesus exceeded his own hype.

Ploughing through the last guardrail of sanity, Jesus plunged the van into the river. Oh shit, I'm thinking, but miraculously we didn't sink. Jesus was driving on water. When we arrived on Liberty Island, my heart was pounding, and my head was aching. Jesus got out of his car, looked around briefly, and said, "I always wanted to visit the Empire State Building. "You Boyz Down?"

When I, Crazy, replied "Hell no!, within the blink of an eye, Jesus, the two hotties, Mother T. and the tricked-out Cooper Classic were gone. After watching the cops swarm all over Liberty Island searching for Jesus and his crew, they turned to Crazy and me for answers they wouldn't believe. C-Ya Next Monday

Yours Truly, Lee Bines (aka) Slack Slacker 😎